that says more about you than me

projection!!

ever had anyone say anything to you which made you think....geez that says more about you than me.
Some significant others like to use these ways to make you feel small when they should actually be using the mirror and telling themselves. OUTRAGEOUS!!

I will recall a situational gag with the muffin man just as a source of my amusement to bring up unannounced into any argument to portray the flawed logic of a person who should be looking in a mirror whilst talking.

Before I do I will point out that if this has ever happened to you before it will bring about strange thought patterns such as....hmmm, nobody has ever mentioned this to me before in my life, ever. I wonder if it's because this person knows me so very well after having sex with me for a couple of months or whether it it because he had a bad day at work.....god forbid it shall be that he is talking about himself!! Be warned if this ever happens to you in early stages of a relationship......this caution speaks from beyond what is sane in any form of communication comes from but a gutteral beastie which arises from power issues....

how safe does this person feel around you with their feelings? If they don't feel secure then maybe they should put you in your place by telling you a little about themselves, by cleverly disguising it as your biggest deepest fear about YOU!!......it only works if it is your biggest fear.....but they don't know that because they are too busy being afraid of it themselves. :) enter ------> pretty enough, kasey chambers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzLuYZ9rz5M

It was when I had been accused of having a borderline personality disorder that I stopped and went.....Que?? Simply for the reason that I had watched Glenn Close in her eerie bunny boiling portrayal (Fatal Attraction) of this seriously scary personality. Now truth be known scary as it is to fess up here is that I have very often been accused of being aloof and non-responsive rather than clingy and stalky even to the point of being laughed at for a flippant comment I made when asked what my idea of true romance was.....my answer?? It was being able to get through a supermarket shopping expedition without having an argument (ever the pragmatist) A list of ex's will maybe own up to the fact that they were ever scared to buy me a flower in case I suspected that they were guilty of something or see them as silly for it rather than me enjoy a moment of whimsy watching the poor flower wilt in a vase together in romantic bliss.

Rather than dwell on the possibility that the muffin man may be Glenn Close in disguise using this theory I would much rather dwell on the power of self preservation and say LUCKY SUCCUBUS WOMAN :)....NB There are quite a few instances which I could elaborate on to build a convincing case but then again wouldn't that say more about me and to be honest just a little boring. enter ------> the outsider, a perfect circle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzyNWyZhUS0


Indeed I have heard that the muffin man has accused a friend of having aspbergers syndrome, all simply all of his ex's have a disorder according to him. One has bulemia, another antisocial, bipolar and yes!!! you guessed it, the original borderline personality who is strongly suspected (Only by him of course) of sending people to burn down his house a couple of hours after he had originally put out a smouldering fire caused by a candle. I am thinking since there are a few disorders there and again using the theory of projection that there is some serious couch time to work that one out.

The limpet man ahhhhhh whilst on a two week break from uni with two essays to do within two weeks I was told that I was addicted to the computer. He had taken the fortnight off work as a surprise to spend with me.....SURPRISE!!! To his credit I only found the evidence after the split of various vaginas and saved messages in hidden folders on my hard drive (which was attached to his computer) that he had a few projections of his own although he never really accused me of voyeurism.....maybe because he would have been right ;)

the lessons taken away from today is to know thyself
if you don't know yourself you will listen to any old shit that people will say about you out of their own fear.
If you listen to any old shit about yourself you may become that shit.
Take on board what people will say to you and question whether it says more about them than what it says about you.

Here is a quote from Angelheart.... a movie which speaks volumes about karma....if you believe in karma then more power to ya!!

No matter how cleverly you sneak up on a mirror, your reflection always looks you straight in the eye

I think I hit my funny bone

Humour!! Presumably everyone has it....here is a nifty table in three concentric rings....ooh the mockery is used a lot.

here's a good mockery song!! enter------> mongoloid, devo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6lY8UmMIUY&feature=fvw


My father will call me sometimes in the morning whilst getting either getting children off school or while I am having a sleep in. It will usually consist of a variation of jokes that I have heard a few hundred times in my life that are long, and even worse drawn out, in which the gag line is a woman who will be talking about her vagina in some way or another, usually how much she uses it (of course she is usually blonde). If I haven't dutifully answered the phone on the third ring it will consist of how neglectful or unmotivated I am in phone answering, in joke form. I am not a morning person or particularly a lover of vagina jokes that are long and drawn out. I don't respond well to jokes that are derisive of groups, races, gender or of me in the morning!!! This is my father's form of entertainment. Lovely!!

My brother will call me sometimes and we will start out with a greeting of questions and answers which result in the saying "living the fucking nnniii....dream". Sometimes in hysterical fake cackles. We have an understanding of the dark humour to be surrounded by people who refuse to think long enough before acting or saying and they will become the object of our sick sad world of ongoing jokes, we will formulate names for complex characters and talk in code which needs a manual for anyone new to understand. Of course people can tell we are joking because we are giving the knowing look of irony and sarcasm whilst we are thinking up the next addition to the family of caricatures whilst adding acronyms and mumblings and looks only interpreted between us before a giggle. Truth be known I think we may even share a brain for irony jokes.

My mother will call me sometimes and we will chat with a few ad libbed one liners thrown into the situational comedy of errors, slapstick and visuals have to be portrayed by the mother which is fitting since she is a multi media artist. Undercurrent mutually enhancing plays on wit will always flow from the mother which keeps everyone bouyant with undoubted wry grins as we go about our daily dark business.

We all love a good fart joke, cat shit jokes can be told over the dinner table as a matter of course. It's a family fun game to sit and tell of your conquests of farts and your derision of people farting around in obscure places. The dinner table is the place where nothing is sacred. Whilst all of us remind each other that we are eating, we are all of us secretly thinking a step ahead to up the gross stakes and go that one step further....all stories collected since last time we sat together along with a few oldies thrown in for good measure.....speaking of oldies "Don't mention the war" is a reminder of a time when my mother and I were living with an unnamed stray cat which we both hated that had a propensity to shit out of malice and was frequently discussed over dinner until one time I nearly lost my biscuits just thinking about it and had to be excused from the dinner table. "Don't mention the war" is an indication that it is going to be a free for all over the dinner table and if you are feeling queasy you had better think up a quick excuse to leave.

Besides family traditions of sick humour, the point that I am trying to make takes us back to the first post where the question was posed whether or not sick humour is only for the sick.

I went to a Billy Connolly show once and laughed so hard that the mexican that I had eaten earlier sat in my throat for the rest of the night and upon coming out of the hall started losing balance as if I had hit some kind of Parkinson's threshold of non-balanced walking. I was in so much pain from that funny barstard!!


Anyway I digress again....Is sick humour for the sick? How close to home does it have to hit before it is funny or indeed very fucking unfunny. Does making a mockery of your own failings bring forth a new aspect of wide openess of a big gaping wound for everyone to view and pity or does it bring forth a new perspective of hope for us all?

I have questioned this as I single mindedly write about things that perhaps can be construed as destructive and/or constructive about myself and even perhaps for myself....I have also questioned whether I am being fair on the poor caricatured subjects that I have victimised on here...... Each and every one of us have a different perspective of ourselves as humans. enter ------> always look on the bright side of life, monty python

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxQgXgS5G3c&feature=related

I have weighed up the pros and cons of the question from the first post and decided to sit on the fence no longer!! Although there is evidence to suggest that sick humour does sometimes get people into trouble, I am more inclined to think that taking it all too seriously will get you into much more.

Laughter no matter how grim or wry will release endorphins that make us feel better. Laughter is the essence of health. To laugh in the face of adversity is to look into the void and see joy from the other side. Hope and redemption are scenes that are played out beyond the inkling of a grin. All things base are laughter. The joy of hearing a baby chuckle for the first time brings out the aspiriations for love and kindness in even the meanest, miserable barstards. Laughter is us.

My crazy bogan neighbor with the billion and a half kids

here is a couple of images to describe my crazy bogan neighbor....she is in between the two in a few ways, first of all she wears the tight clothes but they are sometimes coloured with crazy fabric art as her entire body is.....with the purchase of a tattoo gun her and her equally crazy defacto husband had been creating a collage of robins, hearts with scrolls, sea scape scenes and unicorns all over her body. She swears like a motherf*&ing c^%t . She shows the signs of a nearing middle aged alcoholic bong toking mother of six in a relationship that far exceeds my own pearlers. enter-------> handsome gretel, babes in toyland

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Erw10riWEA4

Upon my first cup of tea there I have taken away the saying "don't talk to me like that, you piece of shit *pause* love ya darls" to her defacto. I can't actually remember what he said as it was not really that provoking....just a mumbled yes dear *sarcastic undertone* I have quoted this quite often and thought it was a joke.....but she did say it with such venom....I will never know if it was a joke but a way of life

She lives in a cul de sac which intersects two doors up from me, having been there for ten years myself I had discovered in the last two years that she had been there for eight years in the "Gaza Strip" which I didn't even notice was there until her children were old enough to stray from the strip to my place....the cul de sac has nearly all housing commision homes bar one or two out of around twenty, a small oasis of displaced families in an otherwise very quiet well sought after inner suburb...I had always wondered why there was a lot of screaming, the sound of animals being tortured, burnouts and wheelies, and lovers tiffs while passing my house (I fucking love yoooooooou!!! followed by a car screeching off and indeed followed more by louder more desperate I FUCKING LOOOOOVE YOOOOOOUUUU!!!!!) Still unaware for the ten years I consider myself fairly fortunate that I haven't "befriended" any of the more high turnover families (since the torturing animal noises and wheelies seem to only be around every so often in six monthly clumps).

Anyway...back to the crazy bogan neighbor...sometime in November I was accosted at my front door by shouting crazy bogan neighbor telling me I was lucky she hadn't come around when she was drunk to tell me what she had to say......that she could see why I hadn't sent my kids around to see her kids to punish her somehow....I was so shocked that I forgot to tell her that my son had been in hospital for gastro and just ended up shouting at her to get the fuck out of my house after twenty minutes of her standing over me threatening to punch me in my kitchen....such the way it is :) enter again ------> you fucked up, ween

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azuS2RCAQHE

She had split up from her crazy bogan defacto a couple of weeks before....it was obvious to me that it really wasn't about me so I tolerated the rantings outside my house "your so fucking lucky mole I didn't come around when I was pissed the other night as I closed the door in her face and went about daily chores.......it was a couple of weeks after a sheepish drunken visit I was told that I wasn't the only one she had to apologise to....there was another lady in her street who she had beaten up and another who I suspect was the one I overheard her screaming "you motherfucking slagholed cunt" to.....

I was of course a little reticent about sending my children around to her place after that and it was rather annoying having all the neighborhood kids at my place....I remember a time in September when I had a cold which turned into a pneumococcal infection which in turn transformed it's lovely self into pneumonia and pluerisy...I counted twelve children roaming around, having tea parties and re-arranging my furniture to make cubbies with all of my doonas and blankets and spreading the ever present infestation of head lice just that little bit faster....memories linger of the horror folks and I was starting to think my children were actualy beginning to start talking the bogan language (yes was transforming to yih, Monday was turning into mundeee) ....so it was time for affirmative action!!.....I asked my children to not go visiting and allowed the other children here only long enough for us to get ready to take our family pet to the river for a run....

This went on for a couple of tentative but glorious couple of weeks of spending time saying monday and yes until a Saturday 9 am visit from the 3 usual kids aged 4 to 9 came to the door and asked to come in....my son answered the door while I sat where I was and said that it was spend the day with mum day and they went home crying. A few minutes later I recieved a barrage of text messages saying that I had slammed the door in her kids faces and that she was coming around to get me....is you fucked up by ween still playing?? play it again :)

So I called the childrens father just in case I was murdered in front of my family and needed a witness....the beauty of this situation is that she will twirl and flick her hair every time he is around and try not to swear like a mutherf&^%ng C&^t.....So as a matter of conflict resolution she toned it down to put downs about my dog the "state" of my yard and said I was lucky that children's father was there.....I sat and listened like before for about another 20 minutes until her voice got louder and louder with of course not many interjections by me for at this juncture I knew it was like pissing into a great ocean.

It was then after the 20 minutes that I said I would like it if the children had no contact between houses and that "you stay the hell away from me because you are full of shit and treat me like I am your husband.....just to be sure we know where we are at I would like you to know again, this is not about your kids but you. You're crazy, and I am not your husband."

Dutifully ushered home by the kids dad another half hour passed and he arrived back for debriefing, assuring me that I had done the right thing in calling in help. It was further discussed while he was there with her children and brought to light that I indeed was not near the front door when it wasn't actually slammed.

what I can take away from this exercise is;

figure out whether my humour indeed matches another's humour
"don't talk to me like that, you piece of shit *pause* love ya darls"
I thought this was cute but on further reflection brings about a whole world of my cute to OMFG they are SO not cute.

never jump to conclusions when a child cries...I actually knew this when I was 12!! But it always helps to revise.

listen out more for neighborhood shenanigans and maybe you will become aware that you are living next to the Gaza Strip....forewarned is forearmed

I never fell asleep at her place but I wouldn't advise it just in case you woke up with a unicorn tattooed on your face ....again forewarned is forearmed.

the bunny response

remember when I told the cautionary tale of dinosaurs and the importance of the adrenal function?

The buildup of cortisol in the system will eventually lead to the decay of the body mind and spirit, sounds too EMO to be true?? enter ------> one way or another, blondie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-P9FjArlxs&feature=related

The flight/fight response is a natural response. There are those people who seemingly fly off the handle at small things and forget as quickly as it began and wear their hearts on their sleeves, bless them, actually may have the right idea. Their lovely extroverted souls will stamp out the slamming door and take themselves out for a walk or a run. Everyone knows they are stressed, they know they are stressed. There are no secret ponderings on how they feel and no second guessings on whether they doing the right thing setting their spouses car on fire upon finding out about the office affair. They are stressed DAMMIT and it will be the excuse they will give when they calm down, the beauty of these people is they are willing to forgive others as readily as they forgive themselves for whatever life throws at them. Mind you perhaps two thirds of the prison popultion is made up of the more extreme cases. Impulse control peoples!! enter -----> the prisoner, iron maiden

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mO0ToyrMBU0


However, there is an equal and reactive opposite of these lovely souls. Perhaps they fill one tenth of the prison population when their schemes for world domination unravel (in extreme cases). These introverted souls will suck up stress like a heavy duty wet and dry vac and plod along seemingly to others around that nothing bothers them. They are like the tip of the iceberg. It will take ages to know these people well. Yup, you guessed it....that is I the self proclaimed martyr woman. These people don't slam doors, they don't wear their hearts on their sleeves and they don't always respond to stress the way others do. It doesn't mean they are a pushover. They will simply remove themselves from a situation so they can read a book, take in a movie or try to relax. Quiet time to reflect so they can sanely react without ruffling their own and others feathers. For those who cannot stand yet another confrontation when it is sharply following another and another they tend to want to just go to bed and sleep instead. enter ------> endless sea, iggy pop

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu4zt3Lutwo

This is the rabbit response and it is opposed to the fight or flight response and yet is exactly the same without the snarling, retribution or running (remember running and fighting is a good thing). A rabbit is so low on the food chain. They are prey to every carnivore or omnivore. From day after day barrage of meeting needs and obligations they have no space left in their reserves to recharge, some of these people will mimick what the rabbit does. When attacked they will put their ears low and stay close to the ground. Hiding in plain sight the rabbit will appear ok after a cat attack with no visible marks. They will be cuddly and limp and even affectionate........then they die of shock. You will wonder why you ever bought a rabbit if this has ever happened to you......not ok!!

Lessons learnt from this exercise?

don't be a bunny!! How obvious!!

when you have realised that you are indeed a bunny you need to get yourself somewhere quiet to recover.

strengthen your reserves so that you may become the tiger bunny like the one pictured above....an energizer bunny!! enter -----eye of the tiger, survivor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mu9xx5Ri278

....not really....just learn that there are so many roles and obligations that a person can fulfill before entering the world of bunny mimicking.

the subtle stoic!!

I can remember sitting calmly telling the limpet man many times....I don't even actually like you.....Why won't you go?

The lack of hysterical screaming, the leveled eyes, the rational questioning.....

I know a lot of people will say things in anger....I know that people say a lot of things that don't make sense....they of course don't realise they aren't making sense....I know I was making sense. enter -------> once in a lifetime, talking heads

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-io-kZKl_BI&feature=related

I asked him once over dinner.... Don't you take me seriously when I ask you to go?



His reply?? "You haven't called the police yet to help you get me out"

let's just sit for a minute and take in this statement.......

and we're back.....Of course retrospectively I should have made a swan dive for the phone commando rolled over and over up the hall locking myself in the toilet using hushed tones.....yes officer please hurry I think he may need to go to the toilet soon....
but no...I rose to the challenge of...

I'm not doing that!! That's just silly!! enter ------silly thing, sex pistols

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3V2Ium02gQ

I have since learned that to truly see another person you must learn to walk a mile in their shoes
but I have also learned there is such a thing as compromise.....in the first post I stated that the ultimate end to the relationship was the ceremonial dumping of all his clothes in the puddle outside whereupon he accepted the police weren't going to come and I had finally made the gesture that would make him feel uncomfortable.

of course I was angry when he tried to ruin me financially....I was still paying off the debts months later when he started a barrage of text and email campaign to woo me back to his love horn....

here are a few choice snippets:


"I love ur non-conformist ways, yes, I'm fighting for us, don't give up on us"
"I have a love horn"
"I bombarded you with those texts just to be absolutely sure there was nothing there"
"I thought if I attacked it with gusto I might have removed that barrier"
"Certainly won't be visiting a relationship for a while. I'm not keen on fucking anyone else up until I've worked through what went wrong"

He has since moved city to be with his love who he met on a dating site which started a couple of weeks after the barrage of emails and texts enter-------> reasons to be cheerful part 3, Ian Dury

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rD9AFG1GdgI

lessons I have learned from this exercise

when using calm clear concise reasoning the message won't always come across unless backed up by a burly policeman...
for anyone who thinks of re-visiting a relationship make sure that you haven't put that person into debt, or at least wait for a while until they are affluent enough to forgive.
sometimes it helps to use graphics or stimuli to go with the words that you use, for example, I don't like you, accompanied with jug of water and a placard in bold red letters saying I hate you!!.....this way if you happen to say it enough there will be a stimulus response not unlike Pavlov's dogs....they will at least move out of the way of the water they know is about to hit

are you just blowing smoke up my ass?

yes...the tobacco smoke enema....let's just sit and ask the question, how the hell did someone conceive of this idea?? ....... enter--------> o' salvation, the celibate rifles


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEKFeoizKiY&feature=related

I can appreciate the packaging, these kits look very exquisite and rather like it may be useful on special occasions.




In the past, negotiating life events and indeed drowning in one's life events it comes to light that I have had indeed had people blowing smoke up my ass (figuratively, speaking of course!!, maybe) ....nothing like waking up from a near drowning instance to find one has been undressed and with a weird feeling like someone has tampered with your privates. enter------> in the air tonight, phil collins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Riw7j9b8fM8

the limpet man was prime example of this: by "helping" me by doing the dishes each night which consisted of filling the sink up with detergent water and dishes (and leaving it for me to do in the morning) and wiping the benches....I would seethe inwardly and wonder how wiping the benches and leaving me with an overflowing sink of cold gunky, dishes with sometimes rusted utensils was helping me since he lived in the same house and he was really only wiping the benches. Couple this with the daily loud musical tastes of endless George Michael and Matchbox Twenty during these instances. He would dutifully tell me I was beautiful every time he wanted sex and I was even treated to a strip tease once to "leave your hat on" by Joe Cocker (I refuse to post the song even for the sake of pathos) Idyllic!! It was a masterful craft on how he could "look busy" every time anybody was ever around and yes he even had me fooled there for a while.....till I got bored with it....

There was an instance when the limpet man was picking up packaging and rubbish to take out to the bin. He asked if there was anything I could see that needed taking out. I pointed to his shoes and said there is a bit of rubbish in those shoes.....he searched for nearly a minute for shoes while I was suppressing giggles and going red in the face....enter -------> viva las vegas, dead kennedies


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HopguzRmq0s

lessons that I can take away from this exercise is;

sometimes looking busy= creating work
questionable music tastes may seem funny at first but if repeated long enough can give rise to serious health and comedy issues.
if it isn't useful it doesn't matter what kind of packaging it comes in
if someone is telling you how helpful the are then they probably aren't being helpful.

cognitive dissonance!!

cognitive dissonance is when opposing ideas share the same space.....in your head....oh no!!!

enter-------> vicarious, tool

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUXBCdt5IPg

for example; I love companionship with this man because he will bring me orange juice in the morning....I hate this man in my personal space because he sucks me dry and uses the orange juice morning thing to spend time when I would rather be alone......

everyone will share opposing thoughts in their head from day to day..year after year...and make excuses for it and rationalise why they do it....mostly people will not even get to the stage to question....lucky them....poor us...

these are the people who are manipulated by politicians who are in turn sometimes manipulated by corporations or family first groups, living their lives questioning only a few things here and there on the immediacy of how big scheme plans will effect them enter ------> what do I get, buzzcocks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EEPvXlTUnU

THEY ARE OUR VOTING MAJORITY!!!

I like to think I question everything....most of all myself......indeed the last bit...you know questioning yourself can indeed be toxic, especially if you are listening to MAJORITY type people and taking it all on board enter ------> loser, beck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgSPaXgAdzE

ever pervasive thought patterns of peoples shocked looks every time you talk versus the seemingly rational head noise that pervades your head = cognitive dissonance

so I came up with a solution fairly early on and I believe it's healthy....are you there?? enter ------> life on mars, david bowie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v--IqqusnNQ

imagine yourself on earth when the zombies finally come and eat everyone......who would you rather be left on earth with?? Procreation of the species isn't an issue that I have thought out with this one....we can't always be heroes

inventive people, handy people, people who will get what you are on about if you finally decide to speak.....those who aren't shocked into stunned silence when words come out of your mouth....people who have an understanding of what it is like to question, to formulate, to devise without wondering if they are singing the Buzzcocks song

hang on to your like minded friends, they will help you hide the bodies ;)

you may not always agree, it may not always be about getting pissed on the beach and having pillow fights in your teddies and having endless barbies in the summer.....you may not even see them very often but they are always there.....they help tell your story when you are too tired to. Another importance that I might stress is to tell your friends stories and help hide the bodies.....

the looming spectre of the brain eating cognitive dissonance doesn't stand a chance to take over if you have back up.

so what happens when the light switches on??

habits....this pic is supposed to represent new habits.....but to me it looks like human hamsters walking all over the desert looking up when they should be looking sideways and running around throwing petals into the air and asking if their neighbor has a mobile phone for you to borrow to call the nearest cab out of there



here is a definition of a habit

"A recurrent, often unconscious pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition."

we all have habits of some description....some habits can be good for us but usually when the word habit is used it has a negative connotation

some people are a slave to their habits some people make excuses for their habits some don't realise they are habits so on and so forth....I think it's time to make fun of habits enter-------> in a rut, the ruts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6ZkJBTyKg0

a habit formed from an early age to not to always speak what was on my mind....I don't think I was ever told to shut up by anyone though....it seemed upon recollections from parents and parents friends that I was always just very quiet.....then prone to some opinionated precocious verbal shocker that would stun everyone around into silence....as a matter of fact....I remember being in a white dress in the middle of the town hall around the age of five or six dancing to music....I was enamoured with my dress and really digging the music....I looked up when the song was finished to find that the dance floor was cleared and everyone was clapping....what I can gather from that: enter--------> I'm not like everybody else, jimmy and the boys

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38-d-4DehHo

since then nothing has changed....only there is a decided lack of precociousness now
mostly quiet, then prone to shock people when I actually say anything and strangely never intending it to happen......enter ------> how sweet to be an idiot, monty python. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWdgiFzpolA

I guess I never really learnt where my place was

I don't think there is any lesson in that....since I never learnt it and don't miss it and am not particularly fussed whether I learn my place or not....

a cautionary tale of dinosaurs

I might draw attention to caveman days....

In the caveman days there was this thing our body did for us....it gave us the fight or flight response....psychology 101.....

the caveman would be out hunting.....big scary dinosaur came along and scared the shit out of the poor caveman....but the caveman had an adrenaline rush to run like the clappers...

there are two favourable results which would arise from this...the first one is obvious....caveman gets the fuck out of danger by surge of adrenaline, makes it back to camp to tell the tale for another day. The second benefit is there is a chemical in our body released from the adrenals called cortisol.....it is the STRESS hormone which can only be eradicated from the body by exercise....

the word stress creeps in and everyone moans and sighs and understands that it kinda sucks.....but really cortisol release is a bodily function that is there to get you out of danger and home again for dinner....the invention of the wheel and wonderful technology beyond could be seen as the invention of stress as we don't have to run away or fight the scary dinosaur off utilising our bodily defence against the effects of a buildup of cortisol of exercise....we simply drive home and bitch about it. Simplistic!!

This is where we come back to the notion of burnout in modern day society...Role overload, fitting too many hats on one head, listening to too much bullshit and believing your own bullshit....all in defiance of what our bodies tell us to do.....run or fight!! enter ------> I shoulda, the celibate rifles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMD5qovTZmU


an auto immune response and the allergies that I have had are just more of this.....after years of treating myself in a toxic way and letting everyone else do the same as well as pushing through every pain barrier to be an accomplished person body mind and spirit...I missed the point completely in giving myself a fair go.....complexities broken down into simple cartoon cutouts so that we may understand and learn how to cope each day are brought to light here....I have reached an understanding that I do have to have fun too....anyway enter------> fight for your right to party, beastie boys

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oM3VMhbxN8

there are low levels of crap that we will simply not put up with....for example...I know that it will never work for me to start a relationship with a guy who wears pointy shoes.....why?? Because I hate pointy shoes, they are impractical, and hurt and just look weird unless you are in a play as a role of a jester. Any man who can see past that to wear them and still take themselves seriously is not for me....with that said...I will go out of my way to ensure that a limpet man is not too upset by my rejections of his amour on valentines day because of a little sexual dysfunction, an aching back and a blocked up pooper. Que??

I guess what I am really saying here is that it is important to discriminate what is, what isn't and what our hopes are.....and choose arguments wisely....

Whilst this post states the bleeding obvious it kinda had to be said.....just so I know that you know that I know.

Whilst it may seem that I have been harping on and on about stress and burnout and how I reached it through toxic relationships with both myself and other people I might add that there are also other life stressors that were involved as well which actually meant something more than just a romantic relationship.....I don't usually sweat the small stuff

• University deadlines of course are one
• my youngest child was diagnosed with a rare and complicated illness which left untreated would decrease his life expectancy along with many expected ill side effects.....in short he had his adrenals taken out which could be why I know a little about adrenal function. He is ok now but has to be monitored every so often with a barrage of tests and is on cortisol replacement tablets for the rest of his life.
• I was hit from behind in a car accident which caused a couple of back injuries....I cracked a disc twice after it.
  

so in defence of just bitching and moaning on a blog about the simplicities of a few relationships gone bad I will mention that pain can drive a person nuts....anyone who experiences physical pain will tell you how simple things turn to hard things and hard things turn to more complexities and the once simple things are beyond the grasp of any former recognition.....it's so good when it goes....the light switches on

the light switched on to this

• I had somehow landed in a relationship with limpet man who was going through an acrimonious divorce
• I was stepmother to 3 more children who were equally acrimonious (that takes our total to 6 kids OMFG)
  
• one of those "children" had a child and an amphetamine addiction (there are some lovely stressors with how do we pay food bills and missing items with that one)

they all seemed so nice to begin with too ♥

enter ------> the beautiful people, marilyn manson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AmM2FAaxb8


lessons to take away from this exercise....

I have said it before that to take care of yourself= taking care of others
martyrdom does not give any brownie points in this life or the next.
don't take any of it too seriously
pointy boots really do suck but don't take my word for it
take time to exercise, I don't recommend dinosaur hunting (too many reasons why)

the cold sting of betrayal.....or some shit

enter------> broken hearts are for assholes, frank zappa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktoKzZolSL4

as we go to the last refrains of "You say you can't live with what you been through Well, ladies you can be an asshole too
You might pretend you aint got one on the bottom of you,
But don't fool yerself girl
Its lookin at you" .........

I might remind myself that I was sad for a short while....ok that's enough sadness :)

what is, what isn't and what your hopes are are distinct separate species...hopes and aspirations are best grounded firmly in reality....you can't polish a turd ....especially if you are trying to polish with super absorbency tissue....it will just make an asshole out of everyone involved.....not literally...I guess you are all intelligent enough to see that :)

So I mentioned in my first post of the other old "friend" I ran into after the thankful departure of the limpet man.....let's call her sucubus woman....everything is incapacitated, the ability to think, the ability to do anything for herself that anyone else can do for her (especially a man).....unfortunately she does have the ability to turn anything into a story of misfortune in which she will play leading role of woman tied to the train tracks.....in all honesty she may have a lot to moan about but then everyone does if they were to think about it for long enough....now concentrate.....the memory lingers longer on sadness than happy fleeting thoughts...there we are all of us victims of society together now collectively trying to polish that turd....still with refrains of franks wise words about assholes ringing in our ears enter ------> rip her to shreds, blondie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-P_MDXq_oY

ok now lets get back to the muffin man for a minute....

ok now back to me.....do u remember that after four days departure of limpet man picture I painted of myself meeting for coffee....the hideousness, the anger, the fallout from a bomb site.....and the hero worship I guessed that muffin man aspired to?? are we on the same page?? enter-------> hero worship, the B52's

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo7vXBeTlJM

ok back to sucubus woman....well the strangest of things happened when I was in nowhere land after walking away that day from the muffin man and the final trip camping and waking up in a god awful smelly tent on new years day.....they became a hell of a lot closer....to the point of her "needing" him to do "man" things "needing" him to take notice that she indeed have a cleavage....it was not un-noticed by ever observant toxic martyr woman....conversations about the sucubus woman always liking the muffin man were to the fore at the beginning of our loving romance to which he would shudder and say how he was not interested....I guess that was before he learnt that she was more victimised than myself and more likely to adore everything about him......enter another song that gives me the shits.....but again...pathos wins out...check out all that hair!!-------> is this love, whitesnake

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOJk0HW_hJw

what are obvious lessons I could learn from this??


it may have been bad form on their behalf but I lingered there way too long or even pushed them together somehow
they may be perfectly complimentary to each other
forgive them and truly wish them well with whatever that shit is.....it may be something I have missed but a wonderous beauteous thing
it may be more champagne comedy that I don't have to deal with


again we will see

well....there u have it...all encapsulated in that pic ----->

I asked myself whether or not I am writing a blog for purely selfish reasons....yes....it is an experiment within a fence for freedom of expression and constraint.....I really wouldn't want to have friends listen to it in the processing plant of hypothesis formulation....too noisy...but don't mind if they see it as funny or sick entertainment.....anyone that may be involved in any of these scenarios have not been invited, nor any mutual friends.....so I figure this is within reasonable parameters...

just a short note to say shit.....surely there are less days than that but....it's little time to reach peace, love, and understanding....better start pulling the finger out

The muffin man!!

well I did say he didn't bear much talking about but I came across this picture see....it reminds me so very much of him physically, the sword and WTF was I doing there?? and see that look....it says it all....really it does :)

I'll try desperately to be fair












again enter-------> the muffin man, frank zappa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcm7uJ74XFI&feature=related

still can't get enough of this song.....the guitar solo is indeed very exquisite.....I must stress that it is quite important to get the soundtrack to the blog in your head if u aren't actually listening to it...it adds to the drama *jazz hands*

I did wonder what muffin man (I did consider calling him the pharter man.....peeeeeeewwwwweeee) saw in me after four days split from limpet man...I was a fucking wreck....20 minutes late for coffee, skinny from my year of elimination diet, nervous, angry as fuck that limpet man was busily cutting off utilities in his name even though the bills were directly debited from my account so I would have to pay disconnection fees with an already deflated bank balance.....yeah well it doesn't really mean that much since none of us starved....I do have good support around....but it's the thought that counts :) enter-------> bullet with butterfly wings, smashing pumpkins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ktff3bZpux8

anyway, I digress again...what the hell would he see in me?? He told me of how his heart rate was very slow at one stage during his training to be a world class swordsman, he had traversed the world 5 times, how he had passion for his job as a literacy teacher aid for naughty boys, how he was building and impossibly beautiful house by himself and he was a punk rock star playing bass in a band at one stage..... enter-----> muscle of love, alice cooper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjHHgq6ZyVk

why would an obvious legend of the world pay any interest to me?? I was washed up, stressed, burntout, newly unbedridden, broke, single mother of 3 with absolutely no hidden fantasies about any knight in shining armour coming to save me......did I mention world weary and cynical?? enter-------> zero, smashing pumpkins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPH9qid7hWU

watching him singing badly and playing off key and the wrong chords with a bass at an open mic night down the local pub brought me some discomfort whilst acquaintances looked and rolled their eyes at him to me.....but I clapped dutifully and smiled....and drank.....after all that was his bag not mine....I was glad when he got bored with it though...

he had pressed me to change my relationship status on facebook to in a relationship with.....(against my sensibilities I complied)

our first argument was a silly one....I simply grew tired of complying to lets follow the farting muffin man around to I might do something else today....I mentioned that I had enough "fun" that day said goodbye and walked away.....enter ------> walk on by, the stranglers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mzHbY_ikoE

HE WAS ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS!!!


again enter ------> you fucked up, ween

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azuS2RCAQHE


and he changed his relationship status to single within a blink of an eye....I was in shock for a while I must admit...(even limpet man gave warning of intended malice) after all....who reaches legendary status of world traveller, fencing star and getting one's heart rate down to verrrrrrrry slow without showing a little patience here or there.....

I gave enough patience for him to get over it for the two of us......as that is what I do.....until I get bored with it....it was mentioned already that I was a martyr and that my special toxicity ability is to make excuses for people until I get over it....it took way too much time....as I was still not over the throes of guilt of yet another relationship gone bad with the last one.....

I tried to make him understand he was a bit silly but I made the mistake of being too nice because I was still wanting there to be a relationship even though every sensibility was screaming out to get the fuck away from angry farting muffin man....

I however remained valiant in my endevour to be patient enough to reveal to him how very silly our first argument was and be kind enough to nicely reveal him to himself as a twat and forgive....and even invited him for a camping trip on new years.....of course I paid for the entire trip, supplied his alcohol, took him to the toilet by car when it was only 400-500 metres up the road....I woke up to the most horrendous smell in the tent....was it fart?? was it smelly shoes?? it was a symphony of both....that was sensory overload enough....gasping for air I left the tent....for the rest of the day I was busily rethinking WTF was I doing there?? enter this song actually shits me but it adds to pathos....hehe-------> here I go again, whitesnake.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxDqj8lclWA


these are his gems which to me represent the appropriate nature of his job to be literacy aid for naughty boys....snippets of emails to me...short, sharp, succinct parries :D

"geez.... u Analise ur self into knots..."

"if u express ur self in stupid ways u get stupid responces"

"u r adept at being angry, aggressive and selfperfectionality"

here are the last couple of emails in this most romantic relationship when I had gotten bored with being nice.....

me.... "u twat...lol"

him....."fuck off and stop cuber stalking me"

me..."ur emailing me back...I think it's funny...hilarious actually"

him...."do u feel like limpet man?"

me..."oh yes....I got a love horn...guffaw"


I did mention quite a few times to him that I wasn't really into hero worship and that he me pegged all wrong but he didn't quite get it.....I wonder if he gets it now?? possibly not....

lessons from todays exercise....

sometimes being uncertain about someone and not jumping to conclusions can be beneficial for fairness....I don't think I was actually being fair by sticking around to let him know that he was a twat....that's for him to figure out....as I figure out for myself....a fellow yet somewhat less angry twat....

smell does matter....I didn't mention that he wore the same socks over and over and the same underwear too for more than 4 days at a time.....but I have now...YES IT MATTERS!!

self proclaimed legends are not all that...are simply that...self proclaimed....even the lowest of the low can have more affiliation to love and beyond than a "prestigious" person.

again I can see it was way too soon to start sharing anything with another human being like personal space o_O

BURNOUT!!!

The first two posts have been about illness and toxic relationships and in my case the intermingling of the two....which leads to the climactic conclusion that I had indeed reached a burnout point within the last 3 years enter -------> 19th nervous breakdown, the rolling stones

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buVA49rlMV8


I feel hopeful and confident that I can rectify this at one point in my life enter ------->dog days are over, florence and the machine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TwqE2X55Wg

but how did I get to this point??

well I was a single mother of one attending university part time and working a night job to begin with.....
then I met someone and had two more children whilst still attending university and helping to raise a stepchild
then after that broke down because guess what?? that was a toxic relationship too....betcha weren't expecting that clanger...no wait it gets worse....please read on.....enter ------> seasons in the abyss, slayer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUDEOdEcBgE

after spending a couple of years stewing and feeling embittered thinking that I would never do that again since the last bout brought a family law court case and a whole lot of mind games.......enter------->welcome to my nightmare, alice cooper, with the muppets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71hVIGjvuVY

I met brilliant yet impractical childhood screwed man....wheeeeeeee.....this was a year of arguing about what if he want to buy a grand piano and what if he want to change the room around and him being angry because the walk on the beach was not romantic enough because I was too thirsty for the drink in the car to walk at a more leisurely pace.....the limpet man who followed a mere two months afterward enter ------->stand and deliver, adam and the ants

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1j7bOVEew0

there will be more about the limpets but for now I want to answer a question that surely must be posed: if I were to believe I was blameless in all these toxic relationships then surely I must be lying or guilty of lying to myself......

am I toxic?? YES!!! I enable every bad behaviour for everyone else by making excuses for them when I won't allow myself the same pleasure and when I finally do become so over and beyond the bullshit and finally cut it off.....(this makes me a bit of a bullshitter).... I make up names for these people and ascribe them names such as limpet and brilliant yet impractical childhood screwed man.....well really the first part is the toxic bit....I only made their names up here so they would remain un-named comical figures just as I have appropriately named myself :)


I actually function and play and maintain friendships quite well when not in a relationship....because I give myself time to re-group and maintain a level of balance.....an introvert by nature will seek alone time to find strength.....it is extremely hard to do that while in a relationship with someone who will always have greater needs than yourself.

so what have I learnt here??

there is hope beyond burnout

anyone can overcome bitterness

always take a drink to the beach if your partner is expecting a leisurely stroll

relationships that are not fully recovered from can lead into a whole new kind of shitfight if another is entered too soon

alone time is good

this pic says it all for me right now











oooooh

today after a gut load of antibiotics I feel like hurling and super tired...bleah!!

so catharsis is in order.....if I retrieve from the memory banks and spew forth ------>

I remember a time of my ridiculously hilarious relationship with the limpet man...I had cracked a disc in my lower back from rendering a room downstairs (I picked up a small bag of cement) so his daughter could have a room of her own here.....this was the beginning of the autoimmune disorder too enter------> hallelujah, jeff buckley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIF4_Sm-rgQ

When I cracked the disc I lost sensation in the nerves for my poo function and sexual function.....whoa!!! that was strange....3 weeks of going to the toilet and pushing and wondering if I was ever going to go......and another 3 taking nulax...a fruit laxative to ensure it....I was indeed full of shit!! enter-------> oh shit, the buzzcocks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9He5PY9pQo

since it was valentines recently this is a particularly fond memory....since it was the last time I got a valentines gift.....Valentines day had come somewhere in amongst all of the "shit fight"....I get a box of sexy toys with a love you forever sweetheart card in them.....fluffy handcuffs, painting chocolate, dice to say where to lick, kiss etc, in which room.....let's just remember I had ZERO sexual sensation whatsoever .....enter--------> bobby brown, frank zappa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mtReYO5BGo

..... Valentines night; possum in the headlights...can we see what this was going to end in?? yes that's right...TEARS...not mine....TEARS, torrents and torrents.......I spent valentines soothing limpet man for his endless loving romantic gesture and my apparent lack of tact or diplomacy.... enter--------> you fucked up, ween

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azuS2RCAQHE

now....for some reason most people I know think that I am a person who will stand up for myself and indeed I am....but trying to live a philosophy of "do no harm" seems to be at odds.....stand and fight or sit down and be patient while people surely must figure it out for themselves....right??

wrong!!

I watched a little film the other day by Hitchcock called Notorious....there was a scene in it where Ingrid Bergman was made aware that she was being poisoned by her "captive" but by that stage it was too late and she had become bedridden and looking down the barrel of doom, gloom, death and general fucked upness...


.....a trip to the local allergy doctor confirmed that I should start an elimination diet avoiding every single food group. My diet?? rare steak, potatoes, beans and brussel sprouts.....I was on this diet for an entire year every day for breakfast lunch and dinner save the occasional pear or buckwheat pancake with golden syrup!! the doctor explained to me that everyone has an intolerance to all foods and their naturally occuring chemicals.....it's just that some become more so than others and varying degrees.....

how can I assume that the toxicity of the relationship has anything to do with the toxicity of autoimmune disorder?? I don't....it still doesn't make for any good story apart from the fact that within 2 weeks of the clothes puddle dumping my feet miraculously cleared up from oozing redness, my demenour had changed completely with new found hope and I was even brave enough to try a curry and had NO ILL SIDE EFFECTS!!! Well I'm fucking converted anyway :)




lessons learnt from todays exercise

there may be places that you really don't want to talk about ie; the limpet man and his endless amounts of romanticism and how your poo won't work...but letting go so to speak can take form in many different ways...it doesn't smell so bad from virtual land....and it is indeed very dark comedy...

How did I get here, and where are my underpants?

today is a day like any other day. I should be renovating, cleaning, house-prouding and sensibling.....I just can't be bothered extending the energy until I have done some cerebral hard drive cleaning. I started out this morning getting a thorough dressing down from the doctor for letting a low grade bladder infection turn into a low grade blood poisoning. I told him that it didn't see to make any difference to the way that I have felt for years anyway and that I am actually feeling better than normal. The coincidence of my illness starting and the commencement of a truly hilarious relationship is fact or fiction?? My love for a different kinds of music are punctuation here....the links to youtube songs inserted appropriately are usually dwelled upon at any given time through the journey...although some are just to break up the boredom

For the last few years I have had some strange autoimmune disorder that will flare up and cause all kinds of mischief, ie athsma attacks, migraines, arthritis symptoms, rashes, blah de blah....it is all rather dull to listen to and even duller to try to explain without wanting to slip into a bath of diazepam and eat your way out. It can be excruciatingly painful and immobilising, but for the sake of a blog I will endevour not to dwell there....soooooo boring!!. (The doctor still is yet to figure what this illness is......I have large red blood cells and need more tests)..... I like to refer to them as the stupid allergies. enter-------> touch me I'm sick!!! mudhoney

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNj7ZyZy7cw

Over these same few years I have also been symptomed by having a limpet like man with his limpet family around the house from which I have managed to eradicate myself from within the last 8 months. My interactions with him over relationship time period have been hilarious if seen by me as an outsider. However I have come to realise that sick kind of humour is partially a reason as to why I am still visiting a doctor over these things and not giving too much of a damn whether I can function or not. So in all manner of cautionary tales, please don't try at home with a limpet. Fortunately in the last 7 months I have only had a few relapses. I will add gems from this relationship from time to time...

These relapses take form in paying too much attention to "sick humour". Within four days of getting limpet man out of the house (which suprisingly only took me putting most of his clothes in a puddle....I had actually been asking, pleading and begging him to go for the last 3 years) anyway I digress...within four days of the puddle dumping and exorcism of the house I met up with an old "friend" for coffee with whom I started a relationship with shortly thereafter (another source of amusement)---------> enter the muffin man!!!! Frank Zappa


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcm7uJ74XFI

he don't bear too much talking about as I learned fairly early on that he had not yet reached puberty emotionally (I think I am being too lenient).....WTF was I thinkin'?? exit the muffin man enter------->die by the sword, slayer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlqBmFofuO4

I also ran into another old "friend" just after the break up and subsequent exorcism with whom I thought I had some affiliation to....apparently not it seems...what seems sweet on the outside and offers a hand of friendship out of neediness can sometimes be the waterloo for your benevolence.....ok...lets break that last sentence down......it doesn't really make much sense out of context. I thought we had a lot in common and I was looking for a friend since I was on my own after a long exhausting relationship. enter------>message in a bottle, police

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5G2LtPvPemw&feature=PlayList&p=B4A3B3E332DB259D&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=5


I was to give her a lot of excess stuff that I didn't need anymore....mutually beneficial I thought.....I was to buy her a computer when hers was taken away and she would pay me for it in the next week....also mutually beneficial I thought as we could keep in contact...that was in August....I finally received money for it in January all good so far?? No....my own stupidity in "selling" her a car in November knowing that she hadn't yet paid for the computer led to me taking the car back in January.....enter------> shaft(ed) Isaac Hayes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAa5rP64YbQ


so I kinda felt shitty about taking the car but when I think about the fact that she had more money at her disposal than I it started me down another track of feeling shitty. It also started to make me feel ill again. I woke up feeling like I had been in a car accident and started to realise that this was indeed a pattern of me not standing up for myself....I had started to do exactly what I had done in my last relationship and that was to feel physically ill again. enter-----> honey bucket, the melvins


FUCK!! .................I'm a martyr!!!!???? That was the day that I took my unpaid car back and set about blocking all negative limpet like activities out of my life....don't need status updates on my facebook page telling me about how this or that isn't working and how bored/lonely/in pain/fucked in the head...blah...also don't need undercurrent bullshit/passive aggressive trying to make me angry blurbs on my page either thank you very much!!......so onward and upward :D

lessons learned so far on the way to wellness??
Only give what you can afford to let go of.
Caring about yourself =caring for others
sick humour is probably for the sick....undecided??
don't let other peoples bullshit scripts run your play
being alone is so much preferable to toxic relationships
enjoy the smaller things.....from little things big things grow :)


we will see